Here I am... still sitting in the "in between"... waiting and yet not waiting for baby to arrive.
The stage has been set and just when I thought the grand finale was coming I was proven wrong..
It appears that this play has many acts.
and, like the boy who cried wolf, I feel like the girl who cried LABOUR!
only to have to say "err - nope... - as you were people - I'm still in pre-labour!"
I know I open myself to much public feedback by sharing my journey so openly and I have to admit I have felt a bit of "I told you so" coming down the line from other mamas in the comments that remind me that first babies often come past due date and that a watched pot never boils. I 100% get this but my feelings of having an early baby have come from my intuition which is usually so on the money and the fact that my body and baby's position (of being fully engaged for over 6 weeks now) has supported this theory.
The funny thing is that I am actually in no real rush here.
My body may be big and getting more uncomfortable and I do feel a bit like I'm in a house bound holding pattern as walking out in the world is both a pain and very energetically intense as, right now, we live in the city ... but I am truly happy sitting here resting and riding the waves of big womb sensation / cramping and then feeling it all simmer down into peace rather than the grand crescendo I was expecting.
If anything I have felt a little guilt...
Guilt that there could be something I am doing to stop this progress. Maybe it was my Mum arriving and needing to press the PAUSE button whilst I integrated to having a new (although beloved) energy in my space... or the change of midwives I've had last minute due to some unforeseen events. Whatever it is, I have felt some responsibility that I am trying to shake for not allowing this baby to come.
My innate tells me to be in my bubble... that the tides will turn when I am fully allowed to just be and feel the flooding of oxytocin and endorphins enter my system giving my body and baby the green light. Like a cat would find a dark corner to birth her kittens I too feel like quietly hiding away from the world.
So this is what I am doing. Holding my ground, speaking my truth and being sociable and chatty when I feel to be and going deep within when baby and Spirit calls me there. Such is my guidance in this interesting dance or entering the birth portal.
As everyone keeps reminding me (and I know in my heart) this baby will make their own decision as to when they need to arrive earth side. There is the specific vibration of the day and moment to take into account and I know this baby - although he/she keeps affirming readiness - is doing what they need to do and will be here when the divine timing is right. Such is our co-creative dance of birthing together.
And I am acknowledging I may remain in this place of pre-labour for sometime (and I have already been here for approx 2 weeks) ... this space of the "in between" and of packing my back pack for the journey ahead with good nourishment and rest... this space of enjoying lots of love and skin to skin intimacy with my husband which really is so delicious.
An old teacher of mine used to remind us of the necessity of "packing our back pack" in preparation for big spiritual initiations. He would say "would you climb Mt Everest without supplies? I think not - so make sure you do your preparatory ground work before you rush ahead of yourself." I bow down to this wisdom every day - thank you Dr Reza.
Really I feel so grateful for this time... and am in no way inclined to do anything to hurry this process along as my due date of September 16 is still coming. Yes I have eaten some chilli (but I do this all the time) and clary sage has made an appearance in my diffuser (it was quite the moment when we felt ready to release the clary sage as it had been sitting well sealed for this whole pregnancy as my beloved bought it because he liked the smell some weeks ago). But I am trusting that this whole pre-stage is preparing my body gently and slowly for the deep initiation of birth.
In no way do I really feel as if I am holding on... my sacrum / pelvis has shifted again and just when I didn't think the baby could get any lower without falling out they have descended again (great for breathing - hard for walking and sitting as I feel as if I am literally sitting on my baby's head and I guess I am) and I sounding and singing this baby down more and more each day. I feel as if I were checked for dilation I would be a couple of centimetres open now so trusting in this beautifully steady process of deep preparation.
I feel so grateful that is it this way as I know how prepared my body is becoming for birth. Slowly and gently, rather than kicked into gear for a fast evacuation triggered by my baby's urgent need to be born.
I am deeply connected to the energy of my baby and this moment. Deeply connected to the womb of Pachamama and fully backed by the Collective Sisterhood. And it feels so good!
But sorry if I keep getting you prematurely excited that the baby is about to arrive.
A dear sister reminded me that whatever happens the baby will come out one day... and I laughed to myself as I acknowledge that I sometimes feel that this pregnancy will go on forever... so I promise this baby will be revealed to you soon...
but until then I will be over here... resting, writing, sharing, listening, snuggling and nesting.