Relaxing into the "in between"

This space of waiting for baby is a funny place to be.  Some call it the "in between" and I would have to agree!  

Last week I felt as if I was not ready.  I still had activation calls for my women's groups pencilled into my diary and the 'to-do' list was lengthy (a bit like all the goals you set yourself before you go overseas and take leave from your job) and it suddenly occurred to me that while I have stuff that I feel like I need to achieve there is no space for this baby to come.

So I have now begun the process of consciously making the space... 

As the baby has seem-ably been so ready to come for over 4 weeks, I feel as if we were kicked into gear a while back but I had been sending a clear message to baby to stay inside until at least 38 weeks (and I am now almost 39).  I think I had assumed that my "readiness" would activate when I hit full term/40 weeks, given that so many first time babies go over term (right?).  But at 34 weeks when I was checked by our midwife her face said it all.  Her look of surprise of exactly how fully engaged our baby was (meaning his/her head was fully in my pelvis - a sensation that must be felt to be understood) gave us the indication that, although the baby may not come any time soon, we should probably get ready (cue wide eyed looks from my beloved and I).   

And so commenced the calling in of the extra bits and pieces of baby paraphernalia and the installation of the car seat.  The birth pool was received but god dammit there was no way I was up for inflating it as the baby felt so close any little signal to come out might be jumped on - this was my feeling anyway and I was inclined to keep my legs tightly crossed.  I was even terrified of going to see my osteopath as I was concerned that if anyone touched me this baby would take it as a green light to GO GO GO! And I have to admit when I did see her she was more or less of the same opinion...  

and given all of these red flag feelings of resistance ... I acknowledged just how "not ready" I was. 

It was as if my maidenhood was being ripped from me prematurely and this was sad and terrifying. Although I fully acknowledge that babies come when they are ready to come, choosing the vibration and frequency of the day they arrive in the world, I had come to expect that I had til mid September to continue to prepare for this imminent birth. 

And this is when I realised that this need for READINESS was never going to happen.

How can one feel prepared for something that is so BIG that the conscious mind cannot begin to fathom it?   On one hand I had a million mamas reminding me of how much "my life is going to change FOREVER" (and I have to say I receive this info with gratitude but sometimes when it is tinged with such negativity and dwelling on the loss of what once was I choose to reject this energy - ugh - it comes through so strong - maybe some of you will resonate) and others reminding me that all will become clear as soon as the baby arrives in this world. Assisted by a healthy dose of oxytocin and love vibes!   

All of this I know in my cells and fear is not specifically what I feel.  It is more just a difficulty in being about to stomach the BIG-NESS of this initiation and the degree of surrender into the unknowing that is required.  

There was thinking I was so great at "diving into the mystery" when I was asked to take it up a notch! 

I was chatting to a friend earlier about how much preparing for a home birth is like doing production for an event.  There is the birth space to create, making sure you have the attachments to fill the pool, extra ground sheets and towels, extra water heating devices, cameras and questions of birth photography, playlists and sonic alchemy, where you will have your third stage to birth the placenta, what you will do with the placenta... and which sheets to put on the bed as everything we own seems to be white!  The food to cook and freeze, the labour aide to make, the essential oils to carefully concoct into potions to relieve stress... as you can imagine the lists have been endless and I am forever grateful to my beloved husband who has been running around doing much of the provisioning.

And the funniest thing about this "event" that is so carefully prepared for is you never actually know when it will take place.  Maybe the day is TODAY or maybe we have 3 weeks...? If it is 3 weeks then god dammit I will likely need to clean the house another 10 as I have become hyper manic about dust and hygiene! (you can picture me washing all of the already clean sheets from the cupboard - yes this has been happening a lot!)  

Another thing that has stumped me is how to prepare for something I have no embodied experience of.  For example - how do I know which music to put in a playlist to help me through labour until I have had a tangible experience of what labour will mean for me?  I know what music I like to dance/relax to but this does not mean it will be appropriate in the throes of the most primal experience of my life.  

I feel as if some women have such a clear visioning of what they want their birth to be like and they plan it down to the last detail.  I am not that woman and, although I have put considerable enthusiasm into creating the energetic vortex of our birthing space and calling in my higher team I have not attached to anything physical that I need - if that makes sense.  Mainly becuase I have zero clue of what I will want and how I will react.  

I do not know what I will need to eat when I am labouring, I do not know what smells I will want to smell, who I want in my space, what I can handle and what will repel me.  But what I do know is that all will be revealed to me in the moment... and I will respond in due course.  But yeah - it has made provisioning a lot more difficult. 

This is what makes the questioning and the pondering of this "in between" time all the more interesting.  

I feel my strength as a woman... I feel my body ripe and ready... I feel my yoni elastic and blossoming... I feel my pelvis opening and expanding... and I feel the baby bearing down in every moment.

I do not question my strength or ability to bring this baby into the world.  I have a strong knowing that my body will take care of everything.  I feel the closeness of the time when I will journey to the stars to retrieve my baby's soul... when I will be the dimension bridger and walk between worlds.  It is exciting and stimulating - particularly in this potent energetic time on our planet when I feel as if I am becoming a portal to birth not only this baby but the New Earth.   

BUT - I would be lying if I didn't admit to having some wobbles about the precipice I have reached (and the fact that it is almost time to jump) ...  and the maiden I am leaving behind to become the mama (you can ready more about my Maiden to Mama ceremony here).

One thing that comforts me so greatly is knowing I am not alone in this initiation journey.  We are all in a process of shedding right now.  Of releasing our old identity and conditioning to fully embody who we truly are.  Our divine essence.  I just happen to be having a big physical process at the same time - so typical of me to need to take the full embodiment approach.    

I am really enjoying being able to share these moments with you now as writing my way through is my way of making sense of all of the feelings I am navigating. 

And if you too are in the same boat... I hope my words help.  

I love you - I am holding you.. we are all in this together.