The real reason why I travel

Want to know the secret reason behind my drive to travel…?

Yes it has great by products like incredible adventures, beautiful meetings with amazing souls, life changing experiences, immersion into different cultures, faiths, ritual and ceremony… and lots of divine time drinking coconuts under palm trees on white sandy beaches… (awesome!)

And yes… I LOVE all of these things… but this is not my ultimate motivation…

The real reason I travel is to force myself out of my comfort zone… to come out of my controlled, safe and easy environment and into a space where I can meet my fears & demons head on!

Although I may appear to be a seasoned gypsy who loves freedom and adventure, happy to throw caution to the wind… but I can promise you this is not entirely true.  I am a creature of habit, who loves her stability and has a deep need of control especially around food… because food my dear friends makes me feel safe!  Can anyone else relate?

Food has always been my ‘thing’… in times of stress and insecurity I feed… I seek out food to make me feel safe, to fill the gap of what is lacking… and this has been something I have been working with for a long time, ever since I was about 8.  This coupled with the attachment we have to the physical form… in my case the girl who was once plump who miraculously became skinny(ish) (mainly due to her wild party lifestyle) and then was worried about going back there again.  To the place of little self love… the place of self loathing in fact… the place where eating (and partying… and boys) seemed to be the only thing to stop the hurt and numb the pain.

It’s in times like these when I do not have the things I think I need to feel safe around me – the types of food, the Vitamix, the super foods, the special spring water, the gym sessions (not so much in these days but definitely in my 20′s) – that force me to see the issues that still simmer below the surface clear as day and I realise how easy it is to mask them and numb them away when we exist in such a tightly controlled environment.

Now don’t get me wrong, having excellent quality, highly nourishing food is important and believe me, I have noticed the change in my diet since being in India… the increased starches, less fresh and raw food… and my digestive system has suffered a little.  But is it cause to freak out…? In my case – maybe – and I have been… the worries about getting fat, not getting enough nutrients etc… and this is where it gets interesting.  People who are on the road really show their true colours and this is what I love about the self-exposing nature of travel.  Whatever is bubbling below the surface is likely to erupt like a volcano (or a pimple)… and the best part about this is… something is released and LET GO!! even if only a tiny bit of what we are holding on to.

Fear is a funny thing… we spend much time running and hiding from it…I certainly did just that when I suffered from debilitating anxiety for many years… but really it gives us a incredible gift to learn and grow.  Even when it feels to be completely out of the blue (somewhat like my anxiety), fear always comes from some sort of wound and like any festering sore, the best way to treat it is the delve in, clean the infection and allow it to heal.

On this 12 month mission across the globe that I am but a mere 5 days into, I know there will be a huge amount of learning and letting go.  Of shedding the old identity, the insecurities, the worries… it will be a journey of spending time with the wounded child and teaching her that she is safe and OK wherever she is (with or without the right food)… teaching her that there is no need to be afraid.  That no matter how she looks, she is worthy of love, she is powerful and magical and deserving to be here on this planet… because, oh my goddess does she have a role to play.  and yes dear ones, I am talking about my own wounds here but they apply to you too… we are all walking this path together and are oh so similar in our challenges and neurosis… so when you read my words perhaps they strike a cord in your heart.

Now, on the fear front… here are some tips of how to deal with it.  Having just been reading Ana Forrest‘s Fierce Medicine she inspired me to share.  Her tips are:

  1. Identify the fear
  2. Turn around, hunt it, stalk it
  3. Stop making decisions based on fear
  4. Find the healing with in the fear
  5. Snuggle up to your fear

So having a long time affinity to what causes me angst I have chose to go all Durga (the warrior goddess and my strongest archetype) and ride in upon my tiger to meet the fear head on with my 18 arms and multitude of weapons blazing.  I’ve thrown myself into the fire of my own creation to literally see what happens next… I will not let fear shape my life like it did when I had anxiety and could not leave the house for weeks or drive my car in tunnels for fear of hyper ventilating (true story)…. and through this process I choose to learn, I choose to heal.  I take my medicine in the large dose I have prescribed myself and if it is hard to stomach… I will take a lot of deep breaths and listen to what comes up… as this is the space for learning.

For me, freedom is a big thing… I’ve created my dream life, my own business I can run from anywhere, helping others heal and awaken to their gifts… I am answering the call of my spirit mission.  But whilst I still carry the burden of this feeling of fear of totally letting go of control I cannot entirely allow myself to be caught and guided by the energy of the Universe.

This is also what this trip is about… to totally LET GO of it all… control of money, control of food, of possessions, of stability… standing completely exposed and saying – OK UNIVERSE – I am ready… I let go… and I allow myself to be caught, to be open to receive… to be filled with your light because that is all that really matters to me… because in my heart I know this is the answer and this is the medicine I need.