I am so excited to announce I am almost 14 weeks pregnant and boy oh boy has it been a wild ride so far. Many of you have probably already guessed my news from my cryptic (err more subtle as a sledge hammer) social media posts as I found it really hard to keep this extra special secret to myself.
I mean how can one not talk about the most potent, magical and life changing experience on earth....? especially when one is a "sharer" like me...!
I actually had a lot of funny feelings come up about the conventions of not telling until you have received the medical green light and reached 12+ weeks and I found myself thinking... But why would I not tell my community? When really, even if things do not go as hoped I would prefer to be seen in my authentic truth, to be seen in my struggle and grief as it is all part of the natural process of the cycle of life.
But somehow I succumbed to the societal pressure and kept my mouth shut and saved my "official facebook announcement" post for today, straight after we received the blood test results telling us we have a healthy, 'low risk of any issues' baby developing happily.
The funny thing is that I have actually been talking to this baby for about 4 years... and just like talking to energies and Spirit, if you allow space for the baby's energy to talk back, it will! So all of the medical tests aside (which have been so weird for me as I rarely set foot in the doctors) I already knew that our baby is healthy and happy in my womb... because the baby told me so! Along with many an interesting detail about their role in this coming life and their name... but I will save these for another day!
Anyway... I am so happy I can now freely share my feelings with you all as I have felt a little inauthentic and withdrawn not being about to articulate what is happening to me. I feel like I am going to have to start a separate email list as I am sure there will be many a birth / mamahood related post coming your way so hopefully this is not too annoying!
In fact I have already written so many posts to you, saved in a very personal pregnancy diary that I'm sure I will share with you soon.
My pregnancy journey so far...
My beloved and I decided to remove any barriers to conception in about November so we are genuinely surprised that this miracle has happened so fast. We have so many friends who have been trying for a long time so we figured we may as well start to see what happens. I had assumed that with our gypset lifestyle of global wandering I would not fall pregnant until we were more grounded.
How wrong I was there...
It seems this baby is ready to be born... AND they have chosen our next super powered month of September to come into the world. Like this month of March, September brings another Equinox and eclipse series and a massive wave of light... so I have no doubt that this little star being is part of the process. I feel honoured to be carrying such precious cargo in my womb. A being who I feel has a huge purpose in the evolution of our planet. Phew! I'm teary and goose-bumpy just writing this!
So there I was in India, running my Goa Goddess Retreat, working long days and doing juicy work with my sisters, still demonstrating dynamic and advanced yoga poses unaware of the spark of magic in my belly. I found myself a little more overwhelmed than usual and I feel like this has become the key word of my first trimester. Luckily my Mum was with me and I was able to reach out for support and delegate some logistics (and let off some emotions - sorry mama).
Following Goa I had less than half a day to rest and we were off to Hampi for part two of the retreat. I found myself feeling very strange, not myself at all and questioning whether I had made a huge error in scheduling two back to back retreats with no break. Luckily my group were so amazing and I knew I was well supported. The next morning I awoke feeling uneasy and sick and realised it was time to get a pregnancy test so I put in the request to our driver (for our 10 hour journey) to our next location and he found me a hole in the wall Indian pharmacy.
Naturally the group were across the whole thing. How could I hide it from them when I was feeling so rough?
The drive was intense to say the least. We pulled over for a bush toilet stop and I attempted my first pregnancy test squatting in the jungle but evidently messed it up as it did not register any conclusive result. Dammit I thought… as I(and the group) were desperate to know. Things became a little clearer when I had to ask our driver to pull over so I could throw my guts up in front of all of my guests numerous times on the journey, once in a very busy gas station much to amusement of my Indian audience. By that point I had no shame and was kind of glad to be going through intense morning sickness in India as I figured, what better a place to be publicly puking than the mother land?
On the first day of our 5 day Temple Activation retreat I awoke before sunrise and finally did a conclusive test - yes I am pregnant! I found my group patiently waiting outside my door for my news... so along with my husband and my mama, my dear guests were the first to know.
And so began 5 days of running a retreat whilst worrying about so many things. As a seasoned Indian traveller I have never really been sick and seem to roll well with the bacteria in a strange land, but adding a new pregnancy was a whole other story. I had fears about getting sick, about getting enough nutrients as everything is so cooked in India (where the hell is my kale?) and even when one of my group got sick I felt so sad that I had to keep my distance from her which is really not my style. Thankfully my mama was there to step up when all I could do was lie down and withdraw.
I had always pictured my first trimester to be so nourishing, filled with good food, spring water, lots of rest and self love.. and instead I was in the middle of India, not vibing any of the food, worrying about nutrients, drinking average filtered water and doing my best to have enough energy to hold it down for my guests! Not to mention the little out of character party I had over New Years, all the prawns and brie I had eaten over Xmas washed down with an unusual amount of champagne (let’s say I went a little wild)… all with this star child in my belly!
Whilst I was riding motorbikes and rock climbing at 6 weeks and travelling on over night trains with no AC in 38 degree heat with 80% humidity, I was saying prayers of protection for this magical being inside my womb.
And you know what, every day the baby told me “Don’t worry mama.. I am totally fine”
Needless to say I made it through the retreat and was thankful to my activated womb for making it even more tuned in and juicy, and I even made it through my next 4 weeks in India, although there were so many times I just wanted to get on a plane and fly back to my home in Sydney. Threats of Zika virus outbreaks in India were all over the news and even though my intuition told me everything would be fine I really wanted to give my body the best chance to be healthy.
I found myself totally retreating into my cave (where I more or less am still residing), unable to leave my room or deal with other people’s energies as I have so much going on in my wombspace. I guess it was also well timed when my computer died (again) and I was really forced to rest… and rest I did. I read books, I slept, I was very solo really only allowing my husband and mama near me and not able to handle too much outside stimulation. My biggest mission in India was getting out my room to find food, having to walk to a restaurant was such hard work, as nothing was appealing to me... and on many a day I ended up eating felafel and chips WTF???!
But I made it home and have been nesting ever since. Riding the waves of my transition from maiden to mama which has seen me feel a little battered and tender. Where I feel so ready to welcome this little being into our world there are still parts of my hanging on to the dynamic creatrix who loves to make magic across the globe. I have found myself looking enviously at my compatriots… OMG seeing my yoga family practicing with Shiva Rea in NZ in February was a tough pill to swallow as I would have loved to be there.
I have put on weight (which usually freaks me out a bit) and have found myself moving in the practice less and resting more, watching my strength channeled elsewhere.
I have been surrendering more in layers and waves, allowing the changes in my energy and body to be my guide. There have been tears and lots of confusion but I feel so held through the process.
I want to shout out to my global sisterhood of mamas who have really come to my rescue over these weeks of adjustment and transition. Your Facebook messages and emails have meant the world and I feel so honoured to be surrounded and carried by such strong and powerful women.
And my ever patient (often long suffering) husband Joe who has been loving me so beautifully and putting up with my rollercoaster of... well... everything.
So here we are… there is so much more I want to say... and no doubt I will soon.
My womb is an activated portal to the divine and I have so much wisdom pouring out of me to share... so get ready!
But for now… this is my news. And I feel so grateful to share it with you.